Better Than Dead

Random quote of the day:

“There is no fear for one whose mind is not filled with desires.”

—Gautama Buddha, Dhammapada

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“Time, as we know it, is the original shape-shifter. Now the line of it runs straight as an old railway track; now it is a circle—many circles, in fact. Now it dances without moving—to and fro across millennia—around the whole turning world, filling the night sky with bounding green lights. Past, future, present: the unbidden, ineffable gift of it all. Memory is like a white moth in flight. Sometimes she comes so close that we can see the light falling into the hidden parts of ancient markings. On other days we cannot see her but we feel the delicate wing-beat down deep, in beside our bones.

—Kerri ní Dochartaigh, Thin Places

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

—Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

—C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“[History has taught me] kindness: we exist because many before us have survived hardship and have chosen to share their space, resources and stories. And humility as a scholar: we very rarely discover anything but reinterpret and add to palimpsests.”

—Prof. Olivette Otele, History Today, Volume 68, Issue 1, January 2018

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“Man becomes the food of the divinity he worships.

—Hindu proverb

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“Even when we’re finally where we want to be—with the person we love, with the things we struggled for—our eyes are still on the horizon. They’re still on where to go next, what to do next, what we want the person we love to do and be. If we just stay where we are in the present moment, seeing what we’re seeing and hearing what we’re hearing and forgetting everything else, we feel we’re about to die; and our mind tortures us until we think of something else to live for. We have to keep finding a way away from where we are, into what we imagine is the future.

—Peter Kingsley, In the Dark Places of Wisdom

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

Random quote of the day:

“Poetry surrounds us everywhere, but putting it on paper is, alas, not so easy as looking at it.”

—Vincent Van Gogh, letter to Theo Van Gogh, March 18, 1883

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

I perhaps did a foolish thing today. I posted a shortened version of this thread on Twitter, not known for its tolerance. But i couldn’t contain myself any longer. The E. Jean Carroll trial has been kicking up a lot of stuff in me for weeks. I was also sexually assaulted.

So many of the things thrown in the face of Ms. Carroll as inconsistent about her testimony could have been thrown in my face. Sexual assault is such a fundamental trauma that it messes with your head. This is true of any trauma. Survivors often have difficulty remembering details or remember in nonlinear fashion. Defense attorneys know this and use it to get Old Boys (and young) out of rape charges.

* I can’t tell you the exact date of my assault.
* I didn’t scream.
* We were alone in the house together–his word against mine.
* I was made to believe it was my fault and that I got what I deserved.
* I didn’t tell anyone FOR 30 YEARS.

Trauma is not logical. It isn’t clean and precise. It’s often buried deep and never brought to light except in “acting out” or self-abuse. It can lie dormant for a very long time. Until, if you’re lucky, the festering gets to be too much and it finally bursts forth. Then, if you’re luckier, you can see it for what it truly is, own it, and do something about it.

Some trauma victims never get there. Some continue to blame themselves. I am grateful that I was able to shine a light on my deep buried shame and, with help and therapy, realize that it wasn’t my shame at all.

I thought long and hard about sharing this publicly. My talking about it could draw negative attention (although I’m not important). AND NO ONE IS OBLIGED TO TALK PUBLICLY ABOUT THEIR TRAUMA. But for me not talking about it was increasingly giving me that same feeling of buried shame.

And I am way the f*ck done with that. My hope is that talking about this helps someone.

How do I feel about it now that I’ve publicly disclosed? Momentarily clean. Lightened. It won’t last. I was a 13 year old girl, easily manipulated and always ready to believe that I was guilty of something. That 13 year old is still alive inside of me. She always will be–and I’m actually glad and grateful for that because she brings me many things beyond her trauma. Good things. But at least now I can turn to her when she’s hurting, give her a hug and tell her she was guilty of nothing besides misplaced trust. Sometimes she even believes me.

Random quote of the day:

“I feel safe in the midst of my enemies, for the truth is all powerful and will prevail.”

—Sojourner Truth, Narrative of Sojourner Truth, A Northern Slave, Emancipated From Bodily Servitude by the State of New York, in 1828

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Bert and Ernie, Celine Dion, or the Band of the Coldstream Guards. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.