“I’ve never looked through a keyhole without finding someone was looking back.â€
—Judy Garland, interview, NBC TV, March 16, 1961
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Laurel and Hardy, Ariana Grande, or the Salvation Army Band. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.
“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer, if you have 10 people cheering and one person booing all you hear is the booing.â€
—Lance Armstrong, as quoted in “King of the Hill,†Sports Illustrated, 5 August 2002
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Disclaimer: The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Siegfried and Roy, Leonard Maltin, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.
“I was born at the age of twelve on a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lot.
—Judy Garland, as quoted in The Observer, 18 February 1951
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Disclaimer:Â The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Siegfried and Roy, Leonard Maltin, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.
Jan 7 Mom had some issues at dialysis last night so we had an outpatient procedure this morning. Home again. Everything’s fine.
Jan 7 Michael Easton on General Hospital always reminds me of Dr. Drake Ramore.
Jan 8 Back in the ER again. This week is a clusterf*ck.
Jan 9
Mom’s CAT scan was OK so the hospital kicked her loose late yesterday afternoon so I could take her to dialysis. I was not pleased. We didn’t get home from dialysis until after 10 and Mom was hurting. I had to do two hour watches on her all night long to make sure the head wound didn’t go south. But she’s doing much better than we had any right to expect. She’s got a 4 cm cut on the back of her head and 10 wee. She fell in the street when the transport guy came to pick her up to take her to the clinic.
Feb 19 People assume that because you aren’t ambitious in the same way or for the same things as they are that you have no ambition.
Feb 20 Pussy Riot is brutalized by Cossacks while trying to protest, then Livejournal goes down. Probably not a coincidence.
Feb 20 So I won’t be getting my bionic knee after all, not for awhile. My cousin can’t stay with Mom. Not her fault, just life. She got sick herself.
Feb 24 Ah, farewell Harold Ramis. One for the ages.
Feb 26 So Der Weinerschnitzel is using a tiki motif to advertise their new chili cheese dogs which have no tiki motif that I can tell. ?? I’m a big fan of tiki so I don’t mind, but…
At home sick and watching too much TV I suspect.
Feb 27 Dear Marketers: If you make me create an account to shop at your site I won’t be shopping at your site.
Feb 28 My cat answered to “Farthead” today. In other news, I’ve been home since Tuesday with an awful cold. Am sick of being sick.
Feb 28 I watch my mother destroy a vintage pattern I bought her so she could make something from her past. Things don’t matter, just what they mean to people, and she is so present and content recreating that past. And I am content.
Mar 2 In Braveheart it always sounds to me like Mel Gibson is saying, “You may take our wives but you will never take our freedom!”
Mar 2 Watching the Oscars, Mom is confused. Spike Jones and Steve McQueen are not who she remembers.
Mar 4 Dear Nekkid Girl with “Individuals” emblazoned across your nekkid picture: all nekkid girls are exactly the same.
Mar 5 They’re getting Social Security and Medicare now—New Year’s Eve party, c.1960:
Mar 6 She has no pattern recognition left since the stroke. She was a crafter/artist. This was key to her identity. Life is a cold-hearted bitch.
Mar 6 If I start receiving ads in my car as some bright sparks are proposing I’ll drive my car through the front door of the first ad agency I see.
Mar 7 And sometimes a miracle occurs and the way becomes clear again and the universe seems a warmer place. You just never know what Life will do.
OTOH, Miley Cyrus still thinks she’s the only person ever to discover S-E-X.
Mar 11 In my Twitterfeed I saw a story about shamans bilking relatives of those on MH370 claiming they can find the plane, followed by another claiming the loss of the plane was a giant government conspiracy. These seem to be the inevitable exploitive accompaniments to all tragedies these days.
16 May
And in other news, Jon Hamm’s camo wad still has the most clicks on my Bitmarks. Although “Kindness” by Naomi Shahib Nye is a close second.
Camo Wad is the name of my next band. That or Ironic Sexualization.
20 May
Ricky Gervais says, “Atheism is a belief system, like ‘OFF’ is a TV Channel.” That’s because he confuses his belief system with fact. He can’t disprove God any more than believers can prove God. When it gets to the point of foaming at the mouth, as it does with Mr. G, then we’re dealing with emotion, not rationality. Emotion is the core of a belief system.
20 May
I try to pretend things aren’t hard on me in order to save Mom from feeling bad, but some days, I’m so tired and it’s so hard the mask slips. And I always feel so much worse when she gets a glimpse and feels bad. Guilt is my constant companion. Not a boon companion, either. Not trying for sainthood, just trying to be humane as much as possible. It’s really hard.
22 May
My friend, M., wonders if insurance companies have special classes for their workers on making well-crafted “mistakes” that delay payouts. I certainly believe JOHN HANCOCK LIFE INSURANCE OF THE BUNGLING IDJITS do. I am informed that this scenario was a plot element in The Rainmaker by John Grisham. Which only tells me there are many people who have had my experiences with insurance companies, alas.
26 May
Life is good. Bird is sitting on my shoulder and hasn’t pooped yet. This will probably change soon.
26 May
“We do not decide to believe or actively change our minds.” —Dennis Gaffin, Running With the Fairies
28 May
Our neighbors in the back have chickens. I find their “bwoks” and “cluck-cluck” oddly soothing. Of course, there’s no rooster.
29 May
Pope Francis: Even atheists can go to Heaven if they do good.
30 May
Just found in Australia—giant, florescent pink slugs: http://yhoo.it/10KWkjS  If you wrote this in a fantasy, people would laugh at you.
31 May
Greenies Pill Pockets saved my life. I have to give Min pills twice a day but she thinks it’s a treat!
31 May
Celebrity gossip makes me so damned weary. It’s all smoke and mirrors.
31 May
In case you missed this Awesome Thing from CC Finlay: “My son sent me this comic about old super-heroes. Read it all the way to the end.” http://imgur.com/gallery/h2my0Â
2 Jun
I had the weirdest dream about the Magic Castle last night. Instead of being in a large Victorian Mansion it had been Disneyfied into a theme park, so instead of being able to enjoy an intimate exposure to magic and magicians, and those lovely bars, you were lost in cavernous spaces and large groups of people. I got separated from the people I was with and couldn’t contact them because the Magic Castle staff wouldn’t allow cell phones. I spent all my time searching for my companions and feeling left out instead of enjoying the show. 🙁
3 Jun
I wish Google Images had a -no -crappy -pastel -art setting.
3 Jun
Feeling extra glad this week that I didn’t get involved with Game of Thrones.
4 Jun
Another intense dream last night, a thriller: chases, betrayals, assassinations. The details are fuzzy or I might try to write it. Eh. Who am I kidding? Although at least two of my seven completed novels started their lives as dreams. Back when I was still a real writer.
4 Jun
Is it just me or does the Miami Heat’s logo look like a flaming butternut squash?
5 Jun
Be careful who you diss because you might end up working for them. God help me. I don’t need this crap on top of everything else.
5 Jun
Sequestration sucks, and nobody’s doing anything about it. Everyone says, “It doesn’t affect me. Why should I care?” You know what? It will roll around to you eventually. We need to insist our Congresspersons get off their butts and do something.
5 Jun
I got this from someone on Twitter but can’t remember who. You literally are the stories you tell: http://nyti.ms/18XF82kÂ
6 Jun
Never say never. Unless, of course, it’s to say “Never say never.”
7 Jun
In the waiting room while Mom has a routine outpatient procedure. Routine, nothing to worry about, but I still do. She came through just fine. We were home by one.
7 Jun
I picked the right day not to go to work. In Santa Monica. SM College is an alma mater of mine.
11 Jun
Weird: is that memory fragment something I saw on TV or something I dreamed?
19 Jun
Things you have to be really old to remember:
“Calgon, take me away.”
Bubble Up One Step Beyond
Carbon paper and mimeograph machines
21 Jun
I once circled a scene for three months. I couldn’t figure out why I was stuck until I admitted I didn’t want to do what had to be done: break my protagonist’s heart. Once I admitted that to myself, it came unstuck. Still not fun to write, but at least the story progressed forward. It doesn’t take me nearly as long as three months anymore. I assume. Once I write again.
“Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.”
—Marilyn Monroe, My Story
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 A personal memory
Every time I’ve visited Marilyn’s grave—and given that I worked in Westwood when I was younger, it’s been quite often—there are fresh flowers and the imprint of red lips on the stone. Westwood Memorial Cemetery persists in cleaning them off, but fans persist in leaving them, and even after Joe DiMaggio stopped having roses delivered weekly to Marilyn’s grave (for some twenty years), the fans also kept up that tradition. I last visited her in 1993. Although we buried my dad, Tom, at the veteran’s cemetery in Riverside, his memorial service was held at Westwood. I stepped out for air at one point and wandered the grounds, eventually going over to say hello to Marilyn. The flowers and red lips were in place, as always. As I turned back to the memorial chapel I saw my dad standing outside in the Marine Corps dress blues we’d buried him in—looking sad, his hat in his hands. He glanced up, our eyes met, he acknowledged me with a nod, then he was gone.
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Disclaimer:Â The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Siegfried and Roy, Leonard Maltin, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.
22 Mar
I’m finding it highly ironic that I just put a “Freedom” stamp on the payment I’m mailing off to the Tax Board.
22 Mar
Writing tip: Chances are, anything that can be labeled hip is not unique. Know what true uniqueness is before you attach that label to yourself.
25 Mar
Girls who define themselves by who they’re dating creep me the hell out. Talk about the Zombie Apocalypse!
26 Mar
Forms, forms, and more forms. The gubmint’s appetite for them is endless.
26 Mar
Dear upscale boutique: having a sign outside your store with script so fancy it can’t be easily read negates having a sign outside your store.
27 Mar
There are days when I could start screaming and never stop till my voice gave out. Fortunately for those around me I’ve maintained control.
27 Mar
Ironic outsourcing facts: The address for the Los Angeles Fire Department EMS billing is in Wheat Ridge, Colorado.
27 Mar
Mom home from rehab on Friday. Thus follows days characterized by alternating moments of terror and relief.
3 Apr
I wouldn’t say I’m frazzled, but I just had a moment of panic about missing a meeting this morning…that I actually attended.
3 Apr
My phone conversations with my mother would make great comedy routines—if they weren’t so desperately frustrating to endure.
Who’s on first? That’s right.
8 Apr
Mom turned 92 yesterday and everyone wanted to give her little parties. The Happy Birthday phone calls began at 7 a.m., but she enjoyed herself a lot.

 That’s all that really matters.
8 Apr
I had a long, happy dream last night about having enough time and energy to have a creative life again.
9 Apr
I think Peter Dinklage should be People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Dead serious there.
9 Apr
Nothing in life is quite so good as sleeping in your own bed. And yes, that includes sex and porterhouse steak.
9 Apr
She was always a slamming great cook; it’s a big point of pride to still cook, though it’s not always what it once was. Wouldn’t dream of saying anything to hurt her feelings. Just shut up and eat. Which is emblematic of my entire life, now that I think about it.
11 Apr
Mom’s chest pains turned out not to be a heart attack. A day of testing in the hospital. She’ll be released today. Update when I know more.
p.s. My cat is sick. I’ll try to work the vet in.
Finding time to get the cat to the vet while not knowing precisely when to pick up Mom…special.
11 Apr
Found a new use for my portable Bluetooth speaker: sitting it on the counter while I take a shower and waiting for the doctor(s) to call.
11 Apr
A strained muscle in Mom’s chest so that when she took a deep breath it hurt. On our way home.
And Min is feeling much better tonight, too. 🙂
15 Apr
I spent an ungodly amount of money at the vet this weekend. Min is okay. I don’t feel the money was wasted. I love my baby.
She was harassing me at 4 a.m. to get my slothful butt up and feed her so I’d say she’s back to her old self.
16 Apr
I was busy all day at work then there was a screw up at the dialysis clinic and Mom got hooked up late. We didn’t get home until 8 p.m. so I heard about Boston plenty, but in bits and pieces. I wasn’t flooded with it all day. This morning there were police cars out in front of the building when I got to work. Just parked, hanging out. We’re a soft but unlikely target. Still, I don’t imagine the poor people watching a venerable race in Boston imagined themselves to be targets, either. Godspeed, Boston. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
16 Apr
I feel like the mother of a toddler: my purse is full of snacks and things to entertain the one I care for.
16 Apr
Mom saw a TV ad for the larger Kindle Fire HD and said, “It sure would be nice to have one of those larger ones. Too bad my birthday’s past.” What I thought but didn’t say was “Mother’s Day is coming up.” Mom probably was thinking but not saying the same thing. She may be old, but she’s still sly, and doesn’t hesitate to ask for stuff she wants. Life’s is way the hell too short.
16 Apr
Min has the beginnings of kidney issues. Nothing life threatening right now, but we’ll get her tested every 6 months or so. Kidneys!
30 Nov Huh! With everything, I completely forgot about the looming Mayan Apocalypse. I wonder if I’ll even notice?
30 Nov Mom is being transferred to the rehab center this afternoon. That was fast! Such a bundle of conflicting emotions right now. She’s feeling much better and they’ll give her the help she needs. But I’m still twisted in knots. This isn’t a logical I thing, it’s an emotional one. I’ve been her only caregiver for a long time and have to remind myself I’m not abandoning her but getting help.
2 Dec God save me from people who think being an artist excuses all manner of bad behavior. Mom’s roommate is an Artiste and the most self-absorbed tyrant to her children and everyone else I’ve met in a long time. They’re talking of moving her Monday. Hallelujah.
3 Dec There are people who will return your phone calls and others who are never going to be able to do that. You have to let go of expectations.
4 Dec A horror show in the Marina:Â http://bit.ly/XDkS1DÂ Â It broke my heart to see those gorgeous old trees taken down, some 40 years old or more. I have to drive by the stumps of 50+ cut down trees every morning and evening and I keep imagining them crying out in pain and horror. Sometimes a good imagination is a liability.
4 Dec Your decision: try to help a man off the tracks before he’s hit by a subway train or take a picture of him as he’s about to get hit? Then sell it to the NY Post, of course. What is wrong with some people?
4 Dec The physical therapist at the rehab center thinks that with some therapy Mom may be able to get back on her feet. This would be a very good thing.
5 Dec I hope it’s not an omen of Apocalypse: yesterday while sitting at the gas station a dismembered pigeon wing dropped in front of my car. A crow came along presently to fetch it and fly away.
5 Dec The girl bicycling in a thigh length beige fake fur coat. (At least, I hope it was fake.)
10 Dec Just when I thought I could relax a bit, the medical transportation company decided to clusterfu*k my mother’s dialysis appointments. Foolish me. You can never relax in the caregiver biz.
11 Dec Exhausted, desperate for rest, don’t know when that’s going to happen. And the Christmas carolers are here. The happiest time of the year.
12 Dec Ironic juxtaposition: Driving to work I followed a rusted, corroded, bondo-enhanced “personal pleasure craft” full of fishing poles being towed by some guy to the Marina del Rey. Just as I wondered if they had life jackets on board that mess NPR announced, “Forty years ago today The Poseidon Adventure premiered in theaters.”
13 Dec So the fire captain of my local fire house called to say he was meeting with the Chief about my mother’s 911 call that they botched. I have no beef against their house—they’ve helped us many times. But this call was not their finest hour. Glad it’s being addressed. The hospital and Mom’s doctors filed a complaint against them. Still, I appreciate the outreach.
13 Dec Some bright spark asked at the official timekeeping meeting about the tradition of sending us home early the day before a holiday. No more early exits for us. Don’t ask and we won’t officially tell.
13 Dec Free-floating anxiety. Tried all day to reach Mom on her cell phone. She had her headphones on and couldn’t hear the phone. I’m exhausted. It makes the imagination a wee bit crazy sometimes. I managed to calm down after I talked to her. I need to take up meditation or something.
14 Dec Obviously handing out a high-powered weapon to anyone who wants one is a great idea. /bitter irony
17 Dec On the drive back from visiting Mom at noon I couldn’t take listening to tragedy anymore so punched the button for KUSC. Just in time for Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus. And yes, I sang along!
18 Dec The clouds this morning a fuzzy gray blanket lying heavy on the tops of the Santa Monica Mountains and tucked in over the foothills and city.
18 Dec Driving around yesterday I saw several celebrities. Robert Pattinson (not really) was driving towards the airport at Lincoln & 83rd in a late model muscle car that had been primed gray but not painted. Edgar Winter (not really), dressed all in black, crossed the street at Lincoln headed towards Marina del Rey Hospital. Stephen Fry (not really), his hair grown out long, crossed in front of me at Pacific and Windward heading towards the Venice Circle. At that point I really did begin to wonder if there was a celebrity lookalike convention in town or something.
I won’t pretend that I was a big fan of Whitney Houston. I didn’t dislike her. I admired her incredible voice and that spark she had in her youth. It’s been tragic watching such a gifted woman take a long, painful slide to the bottom. She died way too young and I can’t help wishing that somebody, somewhere had been able to help her help herself. Because other people do not make you sober. That’s something that has to come from within.
Still, I shed tears for her this morning. It wasn’t the rehash of the Grammy tribute, her powerful version of I Will Always Love You, or any of her other hits. It was, of all things, hearing her sing the Star-Spangled Banner. That moment was such a triumph for her, coming at a time right after 911 when America was on the ground, desperately looking for a way to get back up and move forward. Whitney Houston’s simple but amazing rendition of the national anthem somehow encapsulated America’s yearning for a reason to keep going. She was truly and utterly ours in that moment, and she gave us the gift of hope and pride that helped us find our own way towards recovery.
But there was, apparently, no one who could give her the same gift. Maybe they tried, and she just couldn’t translate that help into something that worked for her. Even if it turns out that drugs and alcohol played no part in her death, they still had a hold on her, making her a mockery of her former glorious self. She hit the ground hard and never really got up, though she struggled on and off to get her feet back under her. For whatever reason, her inner demons were stronger than her wonderful gifts.
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