illness


Random quote of the day:

 

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

—attributed to Jiddu Krishnamurti

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer:  The views expressed in this random quote of the day do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster, her immediate family, Siegfried and Roy, Leonard Maltin, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They do, however, sometimes reflect the views of the Cottingley Fairies.

I haven’t read LJ in over a week, so if anyone has posted something I need to know about, let me know.

What’s been going on?

The first part of the week was just mundane busyness, but Tuesday night Mom wound up in the emergency room again. Fortunately, she was home again the next day, but things have been busy since. I haven’t been back to work since Tuesday, taking her to various doctors and clinic appointments, but I will be going back to work tomorrow. Mom’s doing really well again. This morning she decided to vacuum the house. Try stopping her when she’s got a notion to do something…

So what happened?

She got sick over the weekend with (from all appearances) the same crud I had last week, but what sent her to the ER was essentially a mix up in her medications for blood pressure. Her BP crashed precipitously (68/42). It stabilized fairly quickly, fortunately, and she was in pretty good spirits by Wednesday. Exhausted, you know, because being in the hospital does tend to be an experience, but her BP has been more normal since.

In the ER room, the guy in the bed next to hers went into full cardiac arrest. Crash carts, paddles, the entire thing as seen on TV. Terrifying. He was stabilized by the time she was moved into a room in the hospital for overnight observation. God bless him. He was a young guy. Hope he is/he’ll be okay.

But Mom…she didn’t call me or her doctor when she started to have BP issues because she didn’t want to bother anyone, being a very independent lady, so no one knew it had crashed until I came home from work Tuesday night. She got a nice but stern lecture from her doctor: “Let me be the one to decide if you’re bugging me. I’d rather deal with this in the middle of the day when we can avoid a trip to the emergency room. Otherwise, I might get really sulky.” He’s a good guy. I like him a lot. He told me, “I don’t want your mother’s dialysis experience to become a series of misadventures like this.” Something we can all agree on. I think Mom took his lecture seriously this time.

Once she has the peritoneal dialysis machine at home (hopefully, Monday or Tuesday) she will have to make fewer trips to the dialysis center for training/monitoring and we’re hoping we can settle into a new normal that will be less exhausting for everyone. She’ll be able to do her treatment overnight as she sleeps rather than four times a day and she will only have to go into the dialysis center for monthly check ins/check ups. For the last 4-6 weeks she’s been going 2-3 times a week on top of other appointments, and that’s just too much time on the road for her. So, I think that’s been contributing to everything.

Onward. Love holds you hostage every minute of every day, but I wouldn’t want to live without it.

That about sums up the last four days. We had a great 90th birthday party for Mom. She loved her sweatshirts and is wearing one of them every time she goes out. The cake was awesome and the company stayed late and we had lots of fun.

I came down with the crud Sunday evening (fortunately after cleaning up from the party) and have been sleeping quite a lot. I feel more like a human being than I have in days, so hopefully that will continue. I’m going to take the rest of the day easy.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. I hope.

The Peritoneal Dialysis (PD) nurse is here today running Mom through her first manual dialysis exchange.  I’m off work today to help out.  At the moment I am mostly helping out by staying out of the way in the other room, but I think I may come in handy later.  It’s been a big build up to this day and we’re both relieved that it’s finally happening so we can adjust to whatever the new normal will be.  Also, Mom should be feeling better once the dialysis has had a chance to work.  That will be a good thing, too.

In the meantime, they also serve who only stand and wait…

ETA: Mom came through the exchange like a champ.  Let the new normal begin.

 

From Memories, Dreams, Reflections by C. G. Jung, talking about when he was a young psychiatrist, circa 1908, feeling his way toward a new way of treating the mentally ill:

Another patient’s story revealed to me the psychological background of psychosis and, above all, of the “senseless” delusions. From this case I was able for the first time to understand the language of schizophrenics, which had hitherto been regarded as meaningless. The patient was Babette S….

She came out of the Old Town of Zürich, out of narrow, dirty streets where she had been born in poverty-stricken circumstances and had grown up in a mean environment. Her sister was a prostitute, her father a drunkard. At the age of thirty-nine she succumbed to a paranoid form of dementia praecox, with characteristic megalomania. When I saw her, she had been in the institution for twenty years. She had served as an object lesson to hundreds of medical students. In her they had seen the uncanny process of psychic disintegration; she was a classic case. Babette was completely demented and given to saying the craziest things which made no sense at all. I tried with all my might to understand the content of her abstruse utterances. For example, she would say, “I am the Lorelei;” the reason for that was that the doctors, when trying to understand her case, would always say, “I know not what it means” [the first line of Heine’s famous poem, “Die Lorelei”]. Or she would wail, “I am Socrates’ deputy.” That, as I discovered, was intended to mean: “I am unjustly accused like Socrates.” Absurd outbursts like: “I am the double polytechnic irreplaceable,” or, “I am plum cake on a corn-meal bottom,” “I am Germania and Helvetia of exclusively sweet butter,” “Naples and I must supply the world with noodles,” signified an increase in her self-valuation, that is to say, a compensation for inferiority feelings.

My preoccupation with Babette and other such cases convinced me that much of what we had hitherto regarded as senseless was not as crazy as it seemed. More than once I have seen that even with such patients there remains in the background a personality which must be called normal. It stands looking on, so to speak. Occasionally, too, this personality—usually by way of voices or dreams—can make altogether sensible remarks and objections. It can even, when physical illness ensues, move into the foreground again and make the patient seem almost normal.

I once had to treat a schizophrenic old woman who showed me very distinctly the “normal” personality in the background. This was a case which could not be cured, only cared for. Every physician, after all, has patients whom he cannot hope to cure, for whom he can only smooth the path to death. She heard voices which were distributed throughout her entire body, and a voice in the middle of the thorax was “God’s voice.”

“We must rely on that voice,” I said to her, and was astonished at my own courage. As a rule this voice made very sensible remarks, and with its aid I managed very well with the patient. Once the voice said, “Let him test you on the Bible!” She brought along an old, tattered, much-read Bible, and at each visit I had to assign her a chapter to read. The next time I had to test her on it. I did this for about seven years, once every two weeks. At first I felt very odd in this role, but after a while I realized what the lessons signified. In this way her attention was kept alert, so that she did not sink deeper into the disintegrating dream. The result was that after some six years the voices which had formerly been everywhere had retired to the left half of her body, while the right half was completely free of them. Nor had the intensity of the phenomena been doubled on the left side; it was much the same as in the past. Hence it must be concluded that the patient was cured—at least halfway. That was an unexpected success, for I would not have imagined that these memory exercises could have a therapeutic effect….

At bottom we discover nothing new and unknown in the mentally ill; rather, we encounter the substratum of our own natures….

When Freud visited me in Zürich in 1908, I demonstrated the case of Babette to him. Afterward he said to me, “You know, Jung, what you have found out about this patient is certainly interesting. But how in the world were you able to bear spending hours and days with this phenomenally ugly female?” I must have given him a rather dashed look, for this idea had never occurred to me. In a way I regarded the woman as a pleasant old creature because she had such lovely delusions and said such interesting things. And after all, even in her insanity, the human being emerged from a cloud of grotesque nonsense. Therapeutically, nothing was accomplished with Babette; she had been sick for too long. But I have seen other cases in which this kind of attentive entering into the personality of the patient produced a lasting therapeutic effect.

Or I probably should say, “more boring than usual.”

The short answer: I’ve been dealing with a family illness since the fall.

The not-much-longer-answer:

I haven’t wanted to talk about it much because I was using most of my energy just dealing with it. We’ve been on something of a rollercoaster, very intense at times, then less so, then more so…and etc.

We are in a good holding pattern right now and I’m feeling a bit more confident, enough to broach the subject here. Although, a superstitious, magical-thinking part of my brain can’t shake the feeling that by stating that openly, the Universe is going to pull the rug out from under me yet again and things will take a turn for the worse.

It’s odd living in Pambrain sometimes.

But if you don’t hear much from me for awhile, it’s probably because I have cursed myself and things have taken a turn for the worst.

If you see me here spouting inanities, you can probably assume things are going okay for the moment.

I haven’t been around the blogosphere much lately, other than quotes of the day.  I haven’t really had much time and energy left over to participate on the interdweebs except in the most modest fashion.  I know I’ve been a slackard jerk and missed some commitments and deadlines.  For that, I apologize to anyone who I may have disappointed.

I’ve been hellaciously busy at work, exhausted, and nursing an undiagnosed infection for at least a month.  I’m on my second week of antibiotics and have spent a lot of time the last few days sickly and sleeping—both in my bed and in my reading chair.  Haven’t gotten much reading or much of anything else done, but I finally feel today as if I’m getting my feet back under me.  I wish I could say things will turn around and be spiffy from now on, but work will still be hellaciously busy when I get back to it, and there is the threat of medical procedures on the horizon, so I will probably remain distracted.

I’m thankful that my mom and I had such a lovely Thanksgiving with our friends, our family of choice, and I’m glad my mom is still with me this holiday season.  And I’m grateful for all my friends, online and off, and hoping things ease up soon.  I’m wishing for us all to have a peaceful, prosperous, and loving close to the year.

It’s been a terrifying week, actually. Tuesday night, after a day of running errands and feeling fine, my mom got a terrible stomach ache after dinner.

“I’m just going to sit down for a minute,” she said, sitting in the rocker in the living room.

“You just sit there and I’ll do the dishes.”

“Okay. It really does hurt, but it usually goes away in fifteen or twenty minutes.”

She’s been having these stomach aches after dinner for a couple of weeks, you see, but they always go away after a short while. This one was persistent.

So I did the dishes and I realized she’d been quiet for a long time. I came in to check on her and she’d passed out. I don’t just mean a little faint—she was gone. Completely unresponsive, head slumped forward, pale, clammy, cold. In fact, I thought she was dead for a few terrifying moments until I picked up a pulse. I jumped for the phone to call 911, but her head lolled back and she made this scary aspiration sound, so I tipped it forward again, and she got sick, and then she started to revive a little, but by that time I had the paramedics on the way and the 911 operator on the line. They got there really fast and she was wuzzy but talking a little by then. By the time one of the nice firemen and I had gathered up her medicines and they’d loaded her on the stretcher, she was actually sort of chatty. The paramedic said they’d stabilize her in the ambulance, but it looked like she’d be okay, then they transported her and I followed in my car.

Something must have been in the air that night because the local hospital E-room was full up, as were many of the others except Brotman, which is a horrible place, and when the paramedic mentioned it, Mom declared, “I’m not going to Brotman! Don’t take me there!” Which actually unknotted some of the sheer terror in my stomach a little if she was being that adamant. They managed to get her into Santa Monica-UCLA, but even that was almost full. On the drive there, I passed three other ambulances in full cry.

She was very thoroughly checked out at Santa Monica. They couldn’t find anything sinister going on until they did a CAT scan of stomach and then they found an undiagnosed stomach issue—the doctor described it as a kind a hardening of the arteries in the intestines so that she wasn’t getting enough blood in her stomach when trying to digest food. That’s what had been giving her stomach aches. Blood thinners and smaller meals will help with that issue. I’d had a bout of 24-hour stomach virus the previous week, and that may have been contributing to things. She had the same symptoms as me in the following day and a half.

Why did she pass out in such a scary fashion? The pain this time had been more intense than previous times and the doctor’s theory is that she passed out from the pain. Her heart is sound, her BP had come back up, she’d stabilized, so at 2 a.m. we took a taxi home from the hospital.

Don’t get me started on the parking problems around Santa Monica hospital. There is no emergency room parking longer than 20 minutes. I had to walk a block and a half in the dark from a $10 parking structure to get to the emergency room and I wasn’t about to repeat that at 2 a.m. It all seemed quite minor compared to what we’d gone through earlier, and I was so grateful to be taking her home again I didn’t worry about it. I was still grateful the next day, but rather “perturbed” when a neighbor gave me a ride to pick up my car. I’d pulled into a legal visitor’s parking space okay, but it was one of those double ones and I didn’t pull all the way to the wall. They had booted my car and were going to tow it. I don’t usually do the hysterical female thing because it’s just not my way, but I pulled that trick out of the bag that day and launched it on them. Besides, I was in a legal space. They unbooted my car and let me drive away.

Mom was quite sick for a few days and her primary care doctor said to keep her hydrated, but don’t force the eating issue too much. She managed to start eating (albeit lightly) by yesterday so I thought I might actually go to work today, but then the stress caught up with me and slammed me. I haven’t felt at all well today and stayed home. She’s alert, eating (still lightly), and we’re going to her doctor next week.

But I can’t quite leave that terror behind. Somewhere in me there’s a post on death and dying wanting to be written and the cycle of life, but not now. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to face that one. Who ever is ready for that one?

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