18 Jan
My new favorite search that got someone to my website: “my father planted a garden.”

18 Jan
With my bad knees I often catch glimpses of myself in windows walking like a zombie. *sigh* At least I don’t hold my arms out and go, “Urrrr.”

25 Jan 
Mom busted out of rehab Tuesday morning, January 22. We’ve been on the lamb since—except for the time spent sleeping in our own beds and loving it.

28 Jan 
A really good day followed by a really bad morning and the necessity of having to leave her alone to come to work. Life doesn’t fuck around.

I know very well she’s fragile, but hearing a medical professional describe her that way makes it more real.

29 Jan 
I do not recommend sleeping in a recliner overnight unless you’re deathly ill and half-unconscious. I got out of the chair, but all day long my body was saying, “No, you didn’t.”

4 Feb  
With Mom in the ER around 4:30 a.m. with breathing difficulties, but we were back home again by 9:30. Probably dialysis related issues. Dialysis this afternoon should take care of it.

6 Feb 
Praise my neighbor! He’s agreed to take Mom to dialysis Mondays and Wednesdays, saving me leaving work midday to drive a 50 mile loop. Hallowed be his name!

7 Feb
Remember that scene from the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers where the guy falls asleep next to his dog? http://huff.to/Y8NWsh 

7 Feb
Back in the ER with Mom (more breathing difficulties). And home again four hours later. Consensus: Mom needs oxygen at home. Tomorrow I will check with her primary care doctor about ordering some.

7 Feb
So they delivered the pre-assembled folding wheelchair in a box that looked like it contained a large screen TV. I pushed it up against the small garage door to get it out of the way of the front steps so I could get Mom in the house after dialysis. Between then and when I came back out some a**wipe came along and opened the box to see if it was worth stealing (I guess). Apparently, it wasn’t. The brazenness: only six feet from the front door.

12 Feb

I’ve released a breath I didn’t know I was holding: Mom’s oxygen has arrived.

13 Feb

Prius in front of me: “I am a green car. Are you?” Me: “You are an asshat. Any more questions?”

They’re everywhere here in LA. I always think of that South Park episode and picture the drivers holding wine glasses to their behinds.

13 Feb

I’m smart, but sometimes I haven’t got the sense of an addlepated cow.

13 Feb

9 p.m. and I finally get to sit down for the night. Bed soon. What a party girl.

14 Feb

Children’s author Terry Deary wants to close all libraries (and not ironically): http://bit.ly/12LPQpK  You, sir, are a privileged douche.

I wouldn’t have had any books to read as a child if it wasn’t for libraries. My parents didn’t have the money for them. Besides, libraries also do movies and CD lending, also part of the “entertainment industry” Mr. Deary feels is being negatively impacted by “free books.”

Precious Pearl

In the gray expanse of
living
there sometimes come
moments
of incandescent pearl:
rare,
precious enough to be
strung
on filaments of shimmering
hope.
if the strand can
hold
if the strand can
endure
they may be enough to
adorn
the soul, lending strength and
sustenance
beacons in the graying days to
come

27 Dec
The guy in the Cadillac Escalade whose license plate included “ASAP” driving at least 10 mph under the speed limit.

30 Dec
I have strep throat. The doc said “I worked in the ER and nothing phases me but THAT’S impressive.” God knows how long I’ve had it.

31 Dec
I’ve been sick as a dog for days but tonight I feel like I may have regained my humanity. Happy new year everyone.

1 Jan
No fever this morning for the first time since Friday. I think I may survive. 

 May you all enjoy a happy and fever free 2013.

1 Jan
Having watched all the Rose Parade I can stand (10 minutes), I will turn my attention elsewhere.

2 Jan
People are the foulest species. I don’t usually watch Animal Cops because I can’t stand the cruelty, stupidity and culpability of some people, but it happened to be on when I turned the TV on and I became transfixed by a story of three horses. Happy endings for two of them, no word on what kind of ending the third experienced. I want to believe the number of good people balances out the bad, but there are days I have my doubts.

2 Jan
In other news, I still feel like crud.

2 Jan
Watching a Dr. Oz diet show while eating KFC: another fine irony.

3 Jan
Profound: doing an oracle reading re: Mom and having her interrupt it with a phone call. If I was a writer I might make something of that.

4 Jan
I felt mostly human today but still tire way too easily.

6 Jan
Who likes mimes except other mimes?

7 Jan
I think “don’t describe eye color” is one of the more bogus writing rules. Someone with a personality disorder must have made that one up. I always notice eye color in Real Life. It’s pertinent in description; eyes are the windows to the soul, etc. Having said all this, I do believe amateurs way the hell overuse eye color as a descriptor, as if it’s the only thing important about a face. It’s one more piece of the puzzle, that’s all, and perhaps that rule was generated by someone’s frustration over too many “he had brown hair and blue eyes” 
flat and lifeless descriptions. More important perhaps to note the pitted quality of his nose, how light never touches those blue eyes.

7 Jan
They’re talking about springing Ma soon from the Big House. She’s been walking real good.

9 Jan
Boycotting Olive Garden, Red Lobster and now Wendy’s: http://bit.ly/ZyYiY5 

10 Jan
Hope seems to be my Rasputin emotion. No matter how many times and ways it is assassinated, it refuses to die.

10 Jan
Mom got cocky, thinking she was going home, and decided to go to the bathroom without help. She lost her balance and “fell.” Although she insists she just “slid down the wall.” No breaks/fractures, thank God. But they want to monitor her another week or so before releasing her. She’s doing well. They took her outside and walked her up and down the block yesterday (assisted). They’re just being cautious.

11 Jan
I’m so old that when I hear the word “butter” I have to fight the urge to say, “Parkay.”

14 Jan
Dear Man on the Cycle: your clownish bicycle clothes just got stupider with the addition of the unitard.

14 Jan
The water in the birdbath froze overnight, a very rare occurrence here near the beach.

14 Jan
It doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t 

mean anything.

Don’t read anything into it, don’t read anything into it, don’t read anything into it, don’t read anything into it, don’t read anything into it.

Remember: hope is the thing without feathers.

14 Jan
Funny the things that stick in your mind: I can’t read/hear “papier maché” without hearing Rowan Atkinson’s voice (from Blackadder Goes Forth) saying, “Pap-ee-yay MASH-ay willie.” (He was mocking the artistic strivings of Hugh Laurie’s upperclass twit character.) That phrase has been rattling around in my brain for years. Sad, really.

15 Jan
Wow. I just forgot my boss’s last name. I had to get up and look at his name plate. That’s rather terrifying.

15 Jan
Stop being a writer and just write.

15 Jan
Conspiracy theory and gun nuts—a terrifying, sick combination: http://yhoo.it/106HIPr 

18 Dec
So I just downloaded the few pix I had on Instagram and deleted my account. Don’t need no Facebook storm troopers in my life.

19 Dec
Mom’s back in the hospital. She needed a transfusion because she’d gotten so anemic. Things were going too well, I guess. She’s getting taken care of and has good doctors. Hopefully it’s just overnight. We’ll know more by morning. Sometimes I wonder if we’re the beneficiaries or the victims of our medical establishments. Caregiving is a rollercoaster in which you’re always braced for impact.

20 Dec
Mom had her transfusion and is doing better. Later, dialysis and another transfusion. Then hopefully back to rehab. I haven’t talked to her yet this morning, but I’ve talked to the doctor and the nurse.

Some day, if I’m really lucky, I’ll write about all this.

20 Dec
Mom has pneumonia now. Still in the hospital. She had it when she was in the ICU and they gave her antibiotics but apparently no one x-rayed her lungs again. Just dealing with the wonderful world of modern medicine and very old people. Shit happens.

21 Dec
It’s so easy to blame the devil because it’s so hard to blame ourselves.

21 Dec
Predictions of Apocalypse always have the stink of the trickster gods all over them. The trickster gods are there to keep us humble.

21 Dec
Is the day over yet?

22 Dec
Life breaks you open when you least expect it, both good and ill.

26 Dec
I’m celebrating Boxing Day by working where I managed, before 9:30 a.m., to get a plastic knife stuck in the toaster.

27 Dec
Mom out of the hospital and back at rehab on Christmas Eve where her spirits and physical well being are much improved.

27 Dec
Just bought two more tarot decks with my last gift card. Blame it on @FBodStudios whose Bunnies of the Tarot Calendar http://bit.ly/VkgT6G  inspired me. I think I have about ten decks at this point, which is ironic since I don’t have time to do readings anymore. But each deck speaks to me in a different voice and I buy them as art objects as much as anything. I also buy in anticipation of another time, a time I’m in no hurry to get to, but one I know will inevitably have its season.

27 Dec
The Santa Monica mountains were a dark, dark purple and black against the sky this morning. They wore a shawl of rose and white clouds as a backdrop. Just above a slash of brilliant blue sky and above that a bubble roof of altocumulus clouds in dark rose, white, and lavender.

30 Nov
Huh! With everything, I completely forgot about the looming Mayan Apocalypse. I wonder if I’ll even notice?

30 Nov
Mom is being transferred to the rehab center this afternoon. That was fast! Such a bundle of conflicting emotions right now. She’s feeling much better and they’ll give her the help she needs. But I’m still twisted in knots. This isn’t a logical I thing, it’s an emotional one. I’ve been her only caregiver for a long time and have to remind myself I’m not abandoning her but getting help.

2 Dec
God save me from people who think being an artist excuses all manner of bad behavior. Mom’s roommate is an Artiste and the most self-absorbed tyrant to her children and everyone else I’ve met in a long time. They’re talking of moving her Monday. Hallelujah.

3 Dec
There are people who will return your phone calls and others who are never going to be able to do that. You have to let go of expectations.

4 Dec
A horror show in the Marina: http://bit.ly/XDkS1D  It broke my heart to see those gorgeous old trees taken down, some 40 years old or more. I have to drive by the stumps of 50+ cut down trees every morning and evening and I keep imagining them crying out in pain and horror. Sometimes a good imagination is a liability.

4 Dec
Your decision: try to help a man off the tracks before he’s hit by a subway train or take a picture of him as he’s about to get hit? Then sell it to the NY Post, of course. What is wrong with some people?

4 Dec
The physical therapist at the rehab center thinks that with some therapy Mom may be able to get back on her feet. This would be a very good thing.

5 Dec
I hope it’s not an omen of Apocalypse: yesterday while sitting at the gas station a dismembered pigeon wing dropped in front of my car. A crow came along presently to fetch it and fly away.

5 Dec
The girl bicycling in a thigh length beige fake fur coat. (At least, I hope it was fake.)

10 Dec
Just when I thought I could relax a bit, the medical transportation company decided to clusterfu*k my mother’s dialysis appointments. Foolish me. You can never relax in the caregiver biz.

11 Dec
Exhausted, desperate for rest, don’t know when that’s going to happen. And the Christmas carolers are here. The happiest time of the year.

12 Dec
Ironic juxtaposition: Driving to work I followed a rusted, corroded, bondo-enhanced “personal pleasure craft” full of fishing poles being towed by some guy to the Marina del Rey. Just as I wondered if they had life jackets on board that mess NPR announced, “Forty years ago today The Poseidon Adventure premiered in theaters.”

13 Dec
So the fire captain of my local fire house called to say he was meeting with the Chief about my mother’s 911 call that they botched. I have no beef against their house—they’ve helped us many times. But this call was not their finest hour. Glad it’s being addressed. The hospital and Mom’s doctors filed a complaint against them. Still, I appreciate the outreach.

13 Dec
Some bright spark asked at the official timekeeping meeting about the tradition of sending us home early the day before a holiday. No more early exits for us. Don’t ask and we won’t officially tell.

13 Dec
Free-floating anxiety. Tried all day to reach Mom on her cell phone. She had her headphones on and couldn’t hear the phone. I’m exhausted. It makes the imagination a wee bit crazy sometimes. I managed to calm down after I talked to her. I need to take up meditation or something.

14 Dec
Obviously handing out a high-powered weapon to anyone who wants one is a great idea. /bitter irony

17 Dec
On the drive back from visiting Mom at noon I couldn’t take listening to tragedy anymore so punched the button for KUSC. Just in time for Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus. And yes, I sang along!

18 Dec
The clouds this morning a fuzzy gray blanket lying heavy on the tops of the Santa Monica Mountains and tucked in over the foothills and city.

18 Dec
Driving around yesterday I saw several celebrities. Robert Pattinson (not really) was driving towards the airport at Lincoln & 83rd in a late model muscle car that had been primed gray but not painted. Edgar Winter (not really), dressed all in black, crossed the street at Lincoln headed towards Marina del Rey Hospital. Stephen Fry (not really), his hair grown out long, crossed in front of me at Pacific and Windward heading towards the Venice Circle. At that point I really did begin to wonder if there was a celebrity lookalike convention in town or something.

 25 Nov

At the ER for the second time in 2 days.

25 Nov

We’re in ICU now. Mom’s getting emergency dialysis. Doctors confident that will stabilize her. I’ll let you know.

25 Nov

Mom still in ICU but stabilized. Thanks for all the well wishes.

28 Nov

Mom doing better. They hope to move her out of ICU today.

28 Nov

ICU psychosis: I do not recommend it.

29 Nov

Mom’s stable. The ICU nurse and I agreed: it’s probably best I come back to work. So here I am.

What a morning. The first of these was written right after I got out of the shower where I spent my time thinking about the state of things and feeling the full weight of it all. This time of year is wearying and I am weary, sometimes prone to despair and fits of self-pity. There is at least one profane word in this poem, if that sort of thing offends you.

The second poem was written after I’d gotten my mother out of bed, fed her, joked about the cat with her, helped her with a craft project. Being with her took the edges off my despair, made me realize what was important.

But I present them both, as both are slants of the truth.

Not for the Faint of Heart

It’s hard for the brave to be weak.
Like any wounded tiger, my mother
lashes out at those who come closest.

Most days I let it pass.
She’s old and frail and hurting and afraid,
angry and confused,
and willing to admit to none of that.
I know it’s hard.
My mother, once as mighty as the
slow-churning thighs of the earth,
has to rely now on little wheels
to get across the room.

Most days I let it ride.
Except on the days when I myself
am tired and hurting and afraid,
angry and confused.
Then I defend myself—because I’m human
and frail of spirit.

But it’s not a fight I can win.
Guilt shuts me up and down
as surely as love.
I make amends. I take the blame.

I know the real guilty party is
old age,
that cold-hearted motherfucker
determined to diminish even the strongest
and bravest,
dedicated to grinding each last particle
of dignity
from our bones
while it turns us to dust.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Like a young child she has trouble

Like a young child she has trouble
with openings and closings,
clumsy hands bungling at things;
leaves messes behind her wherever
she goes, unaware, moving on;
totters, toddles and tests her feet,
escaping the prison of the walker,
grabbing furniture to steady herself;
lights never turned off, cabinets never closed.

These things evoke my tenderness,
the mothering core of my heart,
wanting to make safe, wanting
her to feel loved and appreciated,
supported and valued.

These things evoke my frustration,
moving along behind, a steadying hand,
cleaning up, making tidy, never done,
weighed down.

I live in perpetual opposition,
love and frustration, guilt and innocence.

In the end, love trumps all.
In the moment, it is sometimes
hard to remember,
but the truest expression of my heart:
love trumps all.

1 Oct
I have bookmarks from book stores that have been out of business for twenty or thirty years. They’re raggedy and limp, but I haven’t the heart to throw away the last vestiges of places I loved.

2 Oct
I was up half the night with stomach crud. I just can’t get a break lately. I’m feeling better this afternoon, escaping the heat under the peach tree. As is often the case in SoCal we’re having our hottest summer weather in September and October. Really looking forward to real autumn.

4 Oct
The sign spinner at the corner of Admiralty and Via Marina whose specialty appears to be dropping the sign.

5 Oct
Just shifted around my retirement funds. I still can’t retire before OhGodI’mSoOld but at least it felt like progress.

5 Oct
It’s mostly on TV and in crime books that people need Big Motives to murder. In real life they murder for a pittance.

6 Oct
If it’s Ye Olde Anything Shoppe you know it’s going to be terrifyingly quaint.

7 Oct
The Simpsons do the Mayan prophecy: “The world will end in 2012 and it will be Obama’s fault.”

8 Oct
I’m trying to live my creative life not asking favors of anyone since I haven’t got time to return them, but sometimes it’s very hard.

9 Oct
I love my habits more than I love my health.

10 Oct
Just when you think you’ve learned a few things, that maybe you are a grown up after all, your Inner Five Year Old reasserts herself and makes you the fool. Hypothetically speaking, of course. I couldn’t possibly be talking about myself.

10 Oct
I asked my 91-year-old mother if she wanted to read up on the State Propositions before voting. She said, “No. I just want to go and vote for Obama.”

10 Oct
A mega-billionaire/hypocrite threatens to lay off employees if Obama is re-elected: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/ceo-workers-youll-likely-fired-131640914.html  The Koch Brothers threatened to do the same thing: http://bit.ly/PxPWMx

10 Oct
Mercy me. A printed hardcopy book from a reputable house in which passed got confused with past. The world is not what it was

11 Oct
Mom on the Ryan/Biden debate: “Who is that young putz?” Me: “Congressman Ryan.” Mom: “He’s an arrogant little s***.”

Mom on the debate: “This is a good debate. Joe Biden is kicking butt.”

12 Oct
Mom on a debate she’d like to see: “I want to see Michelle Obama debate Ann Romney. Michelle would clean the floor with her.” In case anyone wonders, my mother adores Michelle and doesn’t think much of Ann Romney.

12 Oct
Lindsay Lohan is voting for Romney. I rest my case.

12 Oct
I was home with a bad stomach, sleeping. I kept hearing helicopters circling and circling, usually an indication of a celebrity arrival at LAX or a big accident somewhere nearby. When I finally woke up out of the half haze, I realized that today was the day they started moving Endeavour from the airport.  It’s traveling right through my ‘hood, starting about six blocks from here. I was too sick to go out, but I watched it for hours on TV. So weird/weirdly exciting to see all my familiar landmarks on television. “Oh, there’s my Starbucks. There’s Mom’s doctor’s office. There’s my local Del Taco,” and etc. Here’s some of the “live feed”:

Watching Endeavour on mute now. Does anyone enjoy the endless patter?

Now I know why they laid down all those steel plates on Manchester.

The shuttle is inching past Jet Car Wash.

The shuttle is approaching Randy’s Donuts, that giant donut you see in every montage of L.A., at the corner of Manchester and the 405 freeway. Apparently, Randy’s Donuts made special Space Shuttle Donuts which they can’t sell today because the city asked them to stay closed for crowd control issues. I guess there’s always tomorrow. (And Toyota paid them for the use of their lot to film a commercial, so it’s not a total loss.)

And now the shuttle is waiting be towed across the 405 by a Toyota truck while they film a commercial. Toyota have been big contributors to the museum (millions, I hear). If my stomach wasn’t bad I might go buy one of the commemorative donuts tomorrow. But as a friend pointed out, donuts freeze really well.

13 Oct
On the way to dialysis this morning while traveling on the elevated 105 freeway I saw the shuttle’s tail and back in the distance as it moved along Manchester. No shuttle on the return drive to dialysis. It’s turned north and disappeared, alas.

I told my pharmacist that I saw the shuttle and she thought that was neat but added, “I want one of those shuttle donuts from Randy’s.” Yes, as does everyone else in L.A., apparently. I’d swung by Randy’s earlier to see about those special but the line was down the block so I kept going. Only a three and a half hour window to get my errands done before I have to pick Mom up again at dialysis. At least I’m not sick this morning.

Donut Quest 2012: Mom and I stopped by Randy’s at 2:30 on the way home. No lines, but they’d sold out of shuttle donuts until Monday. How did they sell out for tomorrow already? The bakers went home for the weekend. I’m hoping they’ll recognize they’ve got a little gold mine there and keep making them. I’ll keep trying. We now have a nice stash of non-shuttle donuts in the freezer. (You didn’t expect we’d leave empty-handed, did you?) I’m glad to report that Randy’s isn’t just a tourist attraction. They make good donuts.

14 Oct
This morning I was singing “I Kissed a Kitty and I Liked It” to Min and she was all, like, “Yuck, ick!” But she purred as she said it.

14 Oct
Today I got to clean out the pigeon coop that hadn’t been cleaned in a year. I bet you’re envious. I won’t let it go quite so long next time. A half hour shower didn’t seem long enough.

14 Oct
The hazards of sitting in the fall garden: my favorite chair was infested by a nest of baby spiders. I didn’t know I could still move that fast.

15 Oct
It’s probably a bad sign when you start writing a negative review halfway through a book. I’d never post it without finishing. Still.

Happy 91st birthday, Mom! Looking forward to 92…

Thanks to everyone for their well wishes.  Mom made it through the procedure fine and we were home from the hospital by one p.m. (after getting there at Oh-Godawful a.m.).  She experienced quite a bit of discomfort yesterday and this morning, but we had good drugs to mitigate the worst of it.  She’s feeling better this afternoon, resuming her game of solitaire on the Kindle.  🙂

The Kindle doesn’t seem to respond to her touch as readily as it does to mine.  I checked to make sure she’s not using the fingernail or missing the icon.  I have no idea what could be going on.

But that’s a preferable problem to having Mom feel like ****.